I have been with drawing from my 3 years of Cymbalta. It worked great on my fibromyalgia until 2 months ago. Then the side affects became too much. So I first went to half a dose for 3 weeks, no improvements. So three days ago I quit taking it.
I have had really bad nights of not severe chest heaviness, hard and tight throat, horrible muscle cramps and a brain fog that felt like my brain had literally put itself in park and wasn't going anywhere.
I have taken my days very slow and trying to avoid stress.
I actually had a better night last night. I didn't wake up in contorted stiff cramps, or sweat terrible, and my mind actually rested. Thank you Lord for the healing.
This morning I awoke around 8am after having a better night. I drank my first cup of coffee out of a brand new mug my cousin surprised me with yesterday. She is kind, thoughtful and funny. She loves me.
The day was going well and after being so, so sick for the past month, I was feeling blessed, grateful, and humbled.
Then I got a text from Mom.
No good morning daughter.
No how are you this morning?
Just another complaint.
About getting her bed changed.
Mom has a very complicated bed to make. She has certain blankets that go under her and certain blankets that go over her. And a person would need a map to make it the exact way she demands it be. The aides do their best to please her but she refuses to be grateful or even helpful. She lets them make it as best they can, then she complains for 2 days that it isn't made right. She talks terrible about the help, the aides, the food, the room, etc.
Mom is in a very hard time of life. She cannot count to five so she cannot crochet or knit or craft. Her brain does not connect her hands to her thoughts anymore. But her brain is telling her that she is strong, untouched by her age of 93, and she is ready to live in a travel trailer behind my house. Or she is going to move in with my 73 year old brother and take care of him.
Mom was never a house keeper, never a home loving person. Our home was just a storage unit for her many crafts and her social clubs. We always took care of ourselves at home so that she could join another club. I started keeping our home at the age of 8. Only because I was hungry, needed clean clothes and couldn't live with the dust bunnies.
Mom loved us, we know that. But she was not happy at home. Age has placed her into a small world where she is safe and watched but her will which is very strong is telling her she doesn't belong there. She hates everyone and every food, meal, snack, bed changing, etc. And she only has me to tell. All of our other family members including 20+ grand kids, too many cousins to count. None of them have ever liked my Mom and they never ask about her let alone go and see her.
She never missed a church meeting or event and served many positions on the church council and tithed for over 40 years. But no one from the church comes to see her. I quit allowing her tithing payments to be taken out of her checking just recently.
She even hates their daily Bingo games. She tells me it is because they are now bring in early children to assist the elders with their Bingo cards. Mom hates kids. Mom wins a lot but they are not giving prizes so she is not going anymore. And I hear about it everyday. Her words are "why should I go, there is nothing there for me, I don't get anything so there is no incentive". These Bingo volunteers are awesome, the others enjoy having children to help. Mom does not.
I just bought her $80 in romance novels that she loves. She read them all, total of 8, in one week then she was done with them and wanted more.
I am preparing her meals for her because she hates their food and complains so much. At one point a cook quit because Mom was impossible to please about her breakfast. He came in her room many times and tried to please her. She wouldn't even be nice to him.
Yesterday I spent $80 on ingredients, then stood in my kitchen for 6 hours cooking and slicing food that she would eat. My biggest problem is packaging. Everything, every snack, lunch, breakfast, and dinner must be in disposable containers. Every piece of food must be sliced to fit on a spoon, she only eats certain foods, hates chicken, and refuses to eat beef. I have to be pretty creative sometimes.
Well, thank you for listening. I need to get my attitude back to feeling blessed and grateful. Today I will have to do the work to get there again. But I can and will do the work.
Then I will take Mom her meals, her books, her favorite hot cappuccino from the local store, a crueler donut if they have one and a hot slice of pizza. I will clean her room, haul out 2 bags of trash. Mom collects everything from straws, to pill cups, to napkins and etc because she is saving them for craft days with her girl friends.
I love my Mom.
The wind is blowing hard and gusty and we are expecting torrential rain any minute. I am excited about spring coming!
Again, thank you for listening. Now on to better thoughts.
~jackiesee~
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